To Be or Not To Be

I just have to say, I am perfectly aware that every man I date, whether it’s for a short time or not, I have high hopes for. I think people have reached a point when I talk about men, they just think to themselves, “Here’s another guy Emma is all excited about. Yea, let’s see if this one lasts… just like the rest did”. But, here’s the thing, I have an immense amount of hope. That’s who I am. I haven’t lost my faith that God will send me someone I love and adore, and who also loves and adores me back. I know I tend to jump the gun with every man, and I start thinking up all these grand plans for the two of us, but it’s hard to keep myself grounded when it comes to love. Each time, I pray to God that He will keep me from floating away, but each time, I float away. I used to have this wall built between me and men, but for some reason, since I had a child and I was able to get over my unhealthy, emotional ties to Michael, I tore down my wall. Yes, it opens me up to being hurt, time and time again, but at this point, the way I look at it is, I rather open myself up to the possibility of another failed relationship than I would closing myself off and missing out on something great. I am strong, I can handle the emotional pain of another failed relationship.

Everyone has their opinions on the reasons I am constantly unsuccessful in relationships, but no matter what anyone says, they don’t live my life. They don’t truly know why I continue to try and continue to fail. No one but God knows that. I truly don’t even know that. “You should be more guarded”, “you should be more open”, “you shouldn’t sleep with anyone too soon”, “it doesn’t matter when you sleep with someone, it matters who you sleep with”, “you should stop searching for love”, “you should continue to fight for what you want the most”…. These are all things I hear from everyone in my life. It’s funny how one person can have two different opinions in separate situations. If I was too open for one relationship and it failed, people will say, “don’t be so open”, and if I was too closed off and the relationship failed, their advice is, “you SHOULD be more open”. Ugh, come on people!! Stop giving me advice that continues to give me the same result. The way I look at it is, I am not going to change myself a million times over until I succeed. Finding a partner shouldn’t be about changing who you are, it should be about BEING who you are and finding someone who loves you just for that. So what if I sleep with someone on the first date or the fifth date? If God has sent me the man I am suppose to be with, it won’t matter when I sleep with him, what I say when we are together, how retarded I act, or if I am too open or closed. It will only matter if the man is meant for me or not. If they aren’t, they won’t last. If they are, they will. It won't matter what he does or doesn’t have, it doesn’t matter who he is or isn’t. I have made it perfectly clear to everyone that I will NOT settle. Clearly. If I planned to settle for anyone who is less than perfect for me, I would have done so already.

Eventually, one of my relationships WILL succeed. So, I just wish instead of people giving me empty advice that won’t do anything but make me more frustrated or discouraged, I wish they would continue to have faith, like I do… that I WILL, EVENTUALLY, find the man that God wants me to marry.

A Priest and a Rabbi were in a bar....

Let me start by saying, this is just my luck....

Originally, I had a lunch date today with a gentleman that I met from match.com, but unfortunately (not really because I had absolutely no desire to go on a date with him and had been dreading it the whole day) he cancelled the date. - I also never heard from him again. Ha!

Anyway, since my date ditched me, I decided to go with the girls from my work to my favorite restaurant known to man, Chelino's. Yes, I am a HUGE fan of Mexican food. I could probably bathe in salsa and queso. It's pretty much the best stuff ever. But all of that is beside the point.

Back to my story....

I went with the girls to fill my tummy with yummy goodness, and when I sat down, I looked over and noticed an extremely attractive brunette man with gorgeous blue eyes. He had a beard, though, which I typically wouldn't find attractive, but the rest of him was stunning, so I looked past the beard. Plus, I'm not going to lie, the beard was pretty rugged and manly. As I noticed him, he also noticed me. We played the whole "eye flirting" game for QUITE some time. Since the gentleman was sitting on the opposite side of the table, there was a person in front of him blocking any vision I would have of his wardrobe. Not that I cared what he was wearing. He could be wearing a burlap sack and he'd still be gorgeous.

Throughout my meal, this rugged, stunningly attractive man and I probably made eye contact AT LEAST thirty or more times. It was completely obvious that we both found each other equally attractive.

By the end of the meal, I was convinced I would say something to him. I mean, how could I let such a lovely man like that get away? I couldn't. That's what I convinced myself, anyway. Who knew what I would say, but I was going to say something.

As soon as I found the courage, I stood up - at this point, I had a full view of what he was wearing, and I about fainted. "Oh, no", I thought to myself, "I am definitely going to hell".

The extremely gorgeous brunette man that I was undressing with my eyes........

WAS A PRIEST.

Yes, you heard me, a Priest.

This entire time, I have been eye flirting with a Priest.

I am definitely going to hell.

I have caused a holy man to sin.

More than likely, this man is a virgin.

What have I done.

A Priest.

God, help me.

Bottom line, my search for my perfect man continues.

Not for the Shallow

Recently, I decided it was a good idea to join an online dating website.

Don't ask me why, because I have tried it before, and it failed miserably. Like, it was hor-ri-ble.

However, the one I chose to join before was free, so I figured if I joined one that actually cost money, it would have a different variety of men to choose from. Boy, was I right. It did, in fact, have a different variety of men to choose from. BUUUUTTTT, this variety is NOT the one I was looking for.

Let me just say, eHarmony is NOT for the shallow. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of depth when it comes to the core of a person, but as far as the outer appearance, I am as shallow as they come.

People have their own opinion of me regarding this, but I'm just going to say, I don't think there is anything wrong with me wanting a man that has good teeth, isn't forty pounds over weight, and still has hair.

Now, if I were sixty years old and my significant other had a receding hairline or a bald spot, then okay, that's understandable. But at 25 years old? No thank you. I want my man to have as much hair as possible. Like, full head of luscious locks. Please and thank you.

First and foremost, I need to be sexually attracted to a man. In all seriousness, who dates someone they don't find attractive? No. One. That's who.

I am perfectly aware that some people become more attractive once you get to know them, but if I'm on a dating website, that's pretty much the first thing I have to go by, physical appearance. I have no interest in men who look like they haven't showered in days or who could have possibly had a quarter pounder, large fries, an extra large Dr. Pepper, and a hot fudge Sunday for lunch, with a side of pizza and ranch.

Call me whatever you want to call me, I don't care.

I like my men hot. Period.

Channing Tatum look-alike please.

Love Reunited

When I was 18 years old, my best friend, Stacie, and I would go to Lake Eufaula for the weekend to stay at her parents lake house. Oh, man.... It was always so much fun to get away from the rest of the world and spend a weekend laying out, riding four wheelers, drinking beers in the woods so we didn't get caught, and hanging out with our lake house friends. It's truly some of the best memories I have from my teens.

My first trip to the lake house, I remember Stacie telling me about her "lake house boyfriend", Charley. She just thought he was the cutest thing, and she was always so excited to see him. Before I met him, she told me he had a best friend named Jesse. She went on and on about how perfect Jesse and I would be together, and how much fun her and I would have if we all hung out. Like always, I was weary about meeting someone that a friend claims "I am so perfect for". Typically, that would mean he's a total doucher, and I probably wouldn't like him at all.... Boy, was I wrong this time...

Jesse was gorgeous.

He had dark, dark brown hair and thick, manly eyebrows. (I don't know what it is about a man with thick eye brows, but I am all about it) He had a rock hard, tan stomach, like that of a surfer from California. His skin was kissed by the sun, and that's all I could think about doing to it, too. Even though he had a body of a surfer, he had the style of a skater. His ears were gauged out with black earrings to match his dark hair, and his hat was the typical DC brand that skaters liked to wear. Basically, Jesse was exactly what I never expected to see when I thought of who Charley's best friend would be. He was better, and we instantly hit it off. I was smitten as soon as he smiled at me with his genuine, I-am-really-a-nice-guy-even-though-I-am-deadly-gorgeous smile.

Since Jesse lived in Eufaula and I lived in Midwest City, our time together was few and far between, but we spoke as much as our busy schedules would allow. Anytime we were able to, we would make a point to visit each other and spend time together. We both continued our own lives, even though we cared about each other, because let's face it, we were young and wanted to have fun. I remember him saying things like, "I want to move to OKC so we can be together" or " if we lived closer, I know it would be different", but we never assumed that it would actually happen.

After about 3 1/2 years of the whole back and forth ordeal, Jesse called me up one day and told me he had decided to move to Oklahoma City. He actually had a friend who lived in Edmond that he was going to move in with. I doubt he planned to move close just for me, but since I am a typical woman, it was always a thought in the back of my mind. Naturally, I was over joyed to hear he would be living closer to me, and that I would have the opportunity to see him WAY more than I was able to before.

At the time Jesse decided to move here, I had just settled myself into a new life. I moved into the Paseo District in Oklahoma City, and I was living with two guys and my best girlfriend at the time. My life was focused around freedom and partying. I was doing new things, meeting new people, and experiencing life as a new age hippie. I wasn't focused on being with or finding anyone. I just wanted to have fun. Due to the outlook I had on life at the time, the idea of Jesse and I being together was pushed to the very back of my thoughts. Of course, I wanted to see him and spend time with him, but the likeliness of us actually starting a relationship was slim to none.

Once Jesse arrived in Edmond, he really struggled looking for a new job. It was the first time he had moved away from his friends in Eufaula, and he was having a hard time adjusting. I maintained my positive outlook and continued to tell him he would find a job and that he shouldn't worry. We hung out a few times after he moved here, but it wasn't a lot. Eventually, his financial situation became worse, and his phone ended up getting turned off because he couldn't afford the bill anymore. Once that happened, there was absolutely no way of me contacting him.

The moment I realized there was no way to contact him, I quickly realized that, after all these years, I could not remember his last name. I remembered a brief conversation we had when I first met him, at 18, about his last name, but it never stuck. I mean, why did I need to remember it? He was always my "lake house boyfriend" or "Jesse from Eufaula". I never associated him with his last name.

I assumed that, even though I didn't have his number anymore, he would still have mine. Weeeellll, he never contacted me. I assumed it was because something had happened to his phone, and he lost my number in some crazy I-dropped-my-phone-in-the-toilet accident or something to that nature. Months went by, and I ended up changing my number due to a crazy ex who I wanted to quit contacting me. Once that happened, all hope of ever finding "my lake house boyfriend" was lost.

I refused to believe I would never see him again, so I began my search for Jesse from Eufaula. It started with a few phone calls to his old phone, hoping that it would be turned back on, or the new owner could somehow point me in the right direction. The old number quickly proved me wrong. The new owner only divulged his irritation of me calling numerous times and being told the same thing, "there is no one by the name of Jesse who owns this phone". Fail. First attempt was a failure, but I continued my search anyway. I would Google his name, his hometown, his school, aaaaannnnnnd every time, I came up with nothing. I even went as far as going through every last Jesse on Facebook in hopes that one would be him. I even messaged random people on Facebook to ask if they knew him and knew how to find him. Pathetic, I know, but I was bound and determined.

After three years of searching for him high and low, I was bored at work the other day and decided to Google him once again, like I have done a million times before. I typed in "Jesse from Eufaula" like I always had, but this time was different. The heavens were on my side that day, because one website took me to another website, which led me to another website, which finally brought me to him. "Is this really him? Did I ACTUALLY find him?" I thought to myself. I typed the full name I found through Google into the Facebook search bar, and sure enough, it brought up his Facebook page. I could not believe it. I was beside myself. I had reached a point to where I thought I would never see him again, and there he was, living in Tulsa, only hours away. 

Of course, I requested to be his friend and messaged him immediately. After all, I had been waiting three years to speak to this man, there was no way I was going to wait for him to make the first move. I was taking it into my own hands. I emailed him something like, "Jesse!! I cannot believe I found you. Call me or text me as soon as you get this. I hope you didn't forget about me." And I gave him my number. I waited a couple days, impatiently might I add, for him to respond to my message. Two days later, I received a message. It was him. I still couldn't believe this was happening. He responded with, "Me forget you?! No way. I have been searching for you since the last time we spoke, but I couldn't remember your last name."

My heart skipped a beat.

He had been searching for me just as I had been searching for him. Wow. This was more than I ever imagined. 

We are now communicating, and I am scheduled to visit him in Tulsa on the 30th of this month, less than two weeks away. I am beside myself excited. Blown away, really. Maybe, just maybe, I have found my purple sunshine.......

Too Good to be Single?

AAAALLLL. TTTHHHHEEE. TTTTIIIIMMMMEEE. I am hearing men say, "You're single? But you seem so cool!". Ummm... so, wait... there's an unwritten rule somewhere that states, "If you are a freaking bad ass, you must be in a relationship"?? No, there isn't. But, if you were to go look, you miiight find something that says, "Because you are so freaking bad ass, you're single".

Do you know why this is? It's because women, like me, don't settle. We won't be with someone just because we are lonely and they give us the slightest bit of attention. 

We search for true connections. We don't just focus on how we feel today or what we will feel tomorrow. We take our relationship status very serious.

I rather wait fifteen years for a man than be stuck with someone who doesn't respect me or provide me with what I need. I used to wonder why it was so hard for me to find a man, then my best friend brought it to my attention that it's because I am a logical thinker. I don't act emotionally like most women. I speak emotionally all the time, but as far as ACTING emotionally... I would say, I do not do that. I will analyze any situation before I make a decision. I take a step back and look at it from all sides. Granted, I have probably missed out on some great guys like this, because I probably OVER analyzed. Buuuuuut, it is what it is, and it will all pay off in the end.

Forever and Always

I have always longed to love and be loved.

Ever since I can possibly remember, I have dreamt of finding the perfect man. 

You know, the one who will tell you you're beautiful - even though you know you really look like complete hell, the one who will put you in line when you need it - because who wants a man they can walk all over?, and that man who no matter how crazy you may act at times, you know they love you just for being you.

Umm, yea! I don't think they make those anymore. When you're a child, you think you will just wake up one day and your Prince Charming will be waiting for you outside, and the two of you will skip off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

If you are still believing that, it's time to wake up and realize, there are no roses to be smelt. The only thing to be smelt is the lingering odor of the hairy, bald man who just walked by you, who you are preeetttyy sure just crop dusted you......

This blog is to let everyone, who is not single and the few of you that are, know what dating life is reeeaaally like. It's not all about free drinks, free food, and a giggly time with a Channing Tatum look alike. Nope, it's about countless disastrous dates that leave you shaking your head and wanting a shower.

 Me, in particular, well... I've had horrible luck since my very first male encounter. I won't share every story with you today, but trust me... you'll have the lovely opportunity to get a play by play of the majority of my dead end relationships. Don't worry, you'll absolutely enjoy them.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here's to being single!

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