I just have to say, I am perfectly aware
that every man I date, whether it’s for a short time or not, I have high hopes
for. I think people have reached a point when I talk about men, they just think
to themselves, “Here’s another guy Emma is all excited about. Yea, let’s see if
this one lasts… just like the rest did”. But, here’s the thing, I have an
immense amount of hope. That’s who I am. I haven’t lost my faith that God will
send me someone I love and adore, and who also loves and adores me back. I know
I tend to jump the gun with every man, and I start thinking up all these grand
plans for the two of us, but it’s hard to keep myself grounded when it comes to
love. Each time, I pray to God that He will keep me from floating away, but
each time, I float away. I used to have this wall built between me and men, but
for some reason, since I had a child and I was able to get over my unhealthy, emotional
ties to Michael, I tore down my wall. Yes, it opens me up to being hurt, time
and time again, but at this point, the way I look at it is, I rather open myself
up to the possibility of another failed relationship than I would closing
myself off and missing out on something great. I am strong, I can handle the emotional
pain of another failed relationship.
Everyone has their opinions on the reasons
I am constantly unsuccessful in relationships, but no matter what anyone says,
they don’t live my life. They don’t truly know why I continue to try and
continue to fail. No one but God knows that. I truly don’t even know that. “You
should be more guarded”, “you should be more open”, “you shouldn’t sleep with
anyone too soon”, “it doesn’t matter when you sleep with someone, it matters
who you sleep with”, “you should stop searching for love”, “you should continue
to fight for what you want the most”…. These are all things I hear from everyone
in my life. It’s funny how one person can have two different opinions in separate
situations. If I was too open for one relationship and it failed, people will
say, “don’t be so open”, and if I was too closed off and the relationship failed,
their advice is, “you SHOULD be more open”. Ugh, come on people!! Stop giving
me advice that continues to give me the same result. The way I look at it is, I
am not going to change myself a million times over until I succeed. Finding a
partner shouldn’t be about changing who you are, it should be about BEING who
you are and finding someone who loves you just for that. So what if I sleep with
someone on the first date or the fifth date? If God has sent me the man I am
suppose to be with, it won’t matter when I sleep with him, what I say when we
are together, how retarded I act, or if I am too open or closed. It will only matter
if the man is meant for me or not. If they aren’t, they won’t last. If they
are, they will. It won't matter what he does or doesn’t have, it doesn’t
matter who he is or isn’t. I have made it perfectly clear to everyone that I
will NOT settle. Clearly. If I planned to settle for anyone who is less than
perfect for me, I would have done so already.
Eventually, one of my relationships WILL
succeed. So, I just wish instead of people giving me empty advice that won’t do
anything but make me more frustrated or discouraged, I wish they would continue
to have faith, like I do… that I WILL, EVENTUALLY, find the man that God wants
me to marry.
