To Be or Not To Be

I just have to say, I am perfectly aware that every man I date, whether it’s for a short time or not, I have high hopes for. I think people have reached a point when I talk about men, they just think to themselves, “Here’s another guy Emma is all excited about. Yea, let’s see if this one lasts… just like the rest did”. But, here’s the thing, I have an immense amount of hope. That’s who I am. I haven’t lost my faith that God will send me someone I love and adore, and who also loves and adores me back. I know I tend to jump the gun with every man, and I start thinking up all these grand plans for the two of us, but it’s hard to keep myself grounded when it comes to love. Each time, I pray to God that He will keep me from floating away, but each time, I float away. I used to have this wall built between me and men, but for some reason, since I had a child and I was able to get over my unhealthy, emotional ties to Michael, I tore down my wall. Yes, it opens me up to being hurt, time and time again, but at this point, the way I look at it is, I rather open myself up to the possibility of another failed relationship than I would closing myself off and missing out on something great. I am strong, I can handle the emotional pain of another failed relationship.

Everyone has their opinions on the reasons I am constantly unsuccessful in relationships, but no matter what anyone says, they don’t live my life. They don’t truly know why I continue to try and continue to fail. No one but God knows that. I truly don’t even know that. “You should be more guarded”, “you should be more open”, “you shouldn’t sleep with anyone too soon”, “it doesn’t matter when you sleep with someone, it matters who you sleep with”, “you should stop searching for love”, “you should continue to fight for what you want the most”…. These are all things I hear from everyone in my life. It’s funny how one person can have two different opinions in separate situations. If I was too open for one relationship and it failed, people will say, “don’t be so open”, and if I was too closed off and the relationship failed, their advice is, “you SHOULD be more open”. Ugh, come on people!! Stop giving me advice that continues to give me the same result. The way I look at it is, I am not going to change myself a million times over until I succeed. Finding a partner shouldn’t be about changing who you are, it should be about BEING who you are and finding someone who loves you just for that. So what if I sleep with someone on the first date or the fifth date? If God has sent me the man I am suppose to be with, it won’t matter when I sleep with him, what I say when we are together, how retarded I act, or if I am too open or closed. It will only matter if the man is meant for me or not. If they aren’t, they won’t last. If they are, they will. It won't matter what he does or doesn’t have, it doesn’t matter who he is or isn’t. I have made it perfectly clear to everyone that I will NOT settle. Clearly. If I planned to settle for anyone who is less than perfect for me, I would have done so already.

Eventually, one of my relationships WILL succeed. So, I just wish instead of people giving me empty advice that won’t do anything but make me more frustrated or discouraged, I wish they would continue to have faith, like I do… that I WILL, EVENTUALLY, find the man that God wants me to marry.